On Film, Vulnerability and Fear : Part I

Normally, I don't do much talking with the pictures I post, especially not as freely/openly as I did this time. Not sure what made me this articulate tonight but lately I have been pondering a lot about vulnerability and fear within photographic contexts. 

Photography is an experience. For all of us... For me, as the picture maker, for you as the audience and for the persons who are in the photographs... What vulnerability and fear carry is experienced by all of us. We all get exposed to them one way or another. They both have negative connotations yet there is some goodness to them, as well. 

I think, from time to time, it is okay to be vulnerable. It somehow takes pressure off the shoulders. By writing here today, I feel like I am testing my waters for my vulnerability. I am writing things here that I would normally journal about. I am exposing myself. It makes me nervous yet it makes me more human. And it is okay. 

It is like taking pictures on film. Using film makes a photographer a lot more vulnerable. We don't have the chance to see whether we have  the shot we are after or not. Shooting on film, you just gotta rely on your technical knowledge, instincts and luck. Chances are you might not get it and you won't know until after all is over. 

And fear... That fear... It can drag you down yet it can raise you up to wherever you wanna reach. It is a  dangerous one. Gotta have some of it but not too much. A thin line to keep the balance on...

Writing these, I think, is giving me the opportunity to experience my fear of vulnerability. And turns out it is not too bad.

I am a relatively young photographer, both in age and definitely in experience. I might be part of one of those last few generations whose first encounter with photography was through the dark room, the film photography, the chemicals... I recall my anxiety mixed with fascination as I was waiting for my rolls to develop or for my test strips to appear the pictures years ago. It was and is one of the best experiences of my life. 

Back then, I had saved up and bought a Nikon N80 for that dark room class and used it quite frequently for the few following years after that amazing class. When I needed to get a good digital body, I had to sell it. And pretty much since then, I hadn't gone back in the darkroom. But this past week, my awesome friends from KA Photo Workshop  let me use their darkroom and film scanners. So I got to develop some rolls from the good ol' Holga that I had apparently been shooting on since last fall.

It was interesting to hold each strip of negative onto the light and see what was revealed in these private  and quiet squares. It was almost like going through a time machine where I could stop wherever I want at any given time and spend as much time as I want at that point in life.

Film photography has a strange aura to it. Aside from its overall nostalgia and obscurity, there is something about it that makes me really sad and I am having a hard time pinpointing what that is. I wanna say it is the tactility, the texture and the depth of space and colors in it. But not quite sure if these are sufficient to figure out what I am looking for.

So these are four "people" pictures from the five rolls that took me back to the dark room. I will be posting more photographs in the coming days with couple of different themes. But I wanted to start with these. These were the first several pictures that grabbed my attention when I looked at the negatives. For me, it is the people that makes it easier to connect with  images. It is the people that makes a photograph unforgettable. It is what I, as the photographer, experienced with them. And it is what the audience can relate to in these people.

So this is my friend, Han. It is one of the three oldest pictures from these five rolls. I believe it was last September. He was in town for a few days, before he took off to Wyoming for his new job. 

We had gone on a short hike before heading out to my favorite bar at the time, Lucy's in McBaine, Mo. 

It was good day. We had talked about our past trips, school, his new job, the dreams we each had. We had reflected on how crazy life had been for each one of us. 

This couple... Lisa and Gabriel. I met them on a bus ride from Nosara to Samara, while on assignment on those towns back in Costa Rica. I believe they are from NYC. Lisa is a hair stylist and Gabriel, if I  remember correctly, was managing a bar and had a band called The Stationary Set. They had rented a room at an artist's house in Samara and making day trips to nearby towns during that trip. 

The reason why we started talking in the first place was because of the cameras we had. Gabriel was making pictures of Lisa with an old Polaroid (the kind that spits out the pictures right away :)). And I had the plastic Holga around my neck. Gabriel had said they make pictures of each other with that Polaroid on their trips and gather their memories like that. It made me happy. It made me smile. 

I always think (and express it quite frequently) that everything happens for a reason. It usually takes some time for one to see that "reason" but I think today's coincidences become tomorrow's interconnected chain of events that lead us to one place or another in life. 

These were my neighbors from Nosara, Corey and Mike. A day after I met them, I decided to move back to Turkey. So we only got to hang out for three weeks. I don't think I could have asked for any better neighbors than them at that point. 

Corey was teaching English at an institute in town and waiting to go back to the States to meet up with his girlfriend, Liz in less than two months. And Mike, a definitely free-spirit, had no itinerary for his travels whatsoever and I believe he still doesn't. He had retired and started traveling around the warm tropics, learning Spanish and basically enjoying his life. 

As I mentioned above, everything happens for a reason. I believe the universe brought us all together at a time when I was going through some difficulties. The presence of these two incredible spirits definitely helped me put things in perspective, and at the very least, distracted me from getting stuck in my own head. 

I made this photograph on a Sunday afternoon. We had gone to the beach for sunset and some swimming. Mike and I had gotten to enjoy the ocean but Corey was dealing with some brutal toe injury. So he was mostly busy making pictures, collecting his memories. Once the sunset hit, though, we all grabbed the cameras. I couldn't help but take a few steps back and capture this moment. 

Thanks for looking. There will be more pictures and talking coming in the next days.